Reflection
by BringOnTheWonder1997
Summary: Song fic. When would they truly see him for who he was?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I used Christina Aguilera's song Reflection but had to change two of the words. I just thought that this song fitted Merlin to a tee xxx One-shot. Fits in where ever (probably sometime in series 3 or 4)**

**Disclaimer: IDOM**

He hated hiding. He hated lying. But he was forced to. And for so long he'd hated Uther Pendragon for that. But he couldn't hate anyone else for it. It wasn't their fault, he had to hide, he had to pretend to be less than he was.

It wasn't their fault he was hunted like an animal.

But it didn't hurt any less.

And it didn't make it any easier.

_Look at me you may think you see,_

_Who I really am but you'll never know me,_

_Every day is as if I play a part,_

_Now I see if I wear a mask,_

_I can fool the world but I cannot fool my heart._

He fooled the world – even those who were close to him, even those who 'knew' him. Even those who knew his secret. He was always the clumsy fool. The clumsy manservant. He'd never amount to anything else – not in their eyes.

The mask was there always – he'd grown up with it and perfected it to such a degree that even his own mother could not tell when it was up – when he was hiding.

No one could.

No one but him. He could never lie to himself.

He wished he could.

That might make the pain (agony) easier to bear (capable of bearing at all).

_Who is that boy I see?_

_Staring straight back at me?_

_When will my reflection show,_

_Who I am inside?_

He'd hidden for so long.

He was in a cage of his own creation, built of fears and broken trust and deaths, one after another. The bars were the darkest thing in his life. He wasn't strong enough yet (ever) to break them.

_I am now in a world where I have to;_

_Hide my heart and what I believe in,_

_But somehow I'll show the world,_

_What's inside my heart and be loved for who I am._

One day they'd see him (he hoped). See him for who he was, for who he could be. Not for who has was, for what he was pretending to be.

And none of them would abandon him.

And none of them would fear him.

_Who is that boy I see?_

_Staring straight back at me?_

_Why is my reflection,_

_Someone I don't know?_

_Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all of time?_

_When will my reflection show,_

_Who I am inside?_

_There's a heart that must be free to fly,_

_That burns with a need to know the reason why._

_Why must we all conceal what we think and how we feel?_

_Must there be a secret I'm forced to hide?_

But sometimes something happened (magic happened), and he thought about having to hide himself forever. Never being able to reveal himself. The thought made his feel ill. But at times it was a more real possibility than he liked to accept (pain, hurt, betrayal).

He prayed it would happen (he wanted to be free, to be himself). He prayed for them to accept him – all of them.

_I won't pretend I'm someone else for all of time._

_When will my reflection show, who I am inside?_

_When will my reflection show, who I am inside?_

At the moment he'd wait. He'd been waiting all of his life. A bit longer wouldn't hurt anyone but him. And he was used to the pain.

But one day, one glorious day, they'd see.

And he'd never feel alone again.

He'd never be so hurt, so lost again. Ever.

Merlin turned his back on the mirror.

**Quickest thing I've ever written (took me about ten minutes). Was looking for songs for a possible third chapter to How To Save A Life Alternative and found this on the way. Thought it fit perfectly.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I was re-reading some of my old fics today and I just didn't think this one was quite finished, so I wrote this to add on to it. I hope you like it. Please read and review.**

_Why must we all conceal,  
><em>_  
>What we think, how we feel?<em>

_Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?  
><em>

It had taken even longer than he thought for him to be free.

And the reveal had been full of betrayal and pain and fear.

But Arthur hadn't ordered him to the dungeons, hadn't tried to cut his head off or attach him to a pyre, because if Arthur put him there Merlin would stay, regardless of his life and his destiny.

Instead he'd given Merlin this look and it made him feel like he'd had his heart taken out and trodden on and then burnt to pieces on the pyre instead.

Maybe that would have been better.

But in time, and lots of chores, Arthur started speaking him again (whether out of his own free will or under duress from Gwen Merlin didn't feel in a position to ask). He even started throwing things at Merlin again.

(He'd never felt so grateful for Arthur's dirty socks.)

It wasn't long after Arthur finally sat him down and they had that conversation that had been waiting since the first time that Arthur had seen the gold in Merlin's eyes that Arthur made him Court Sorcerer.

He had hoped for it but had never expected it; and the look on Merlin's face as Arthur literally shoved him into his new apartments, regardless of the stairs, had made not only Arthur but Gwaine and Lancelot laugh.

The smile that the shock gave way to was well worth Merlin's complaints from the stairs.

Gwaine gave Merlin a clap on the back and pretended not to notice that both their eyes were glistening, whilst Lancelot just gave the pair of them a knowing look.

Arthur just reached out and put his new Court Sorcerer into a headlock, forcing his dark locks into something even more unruly.

When the King released his warlock they grinned at each other for a moment, before turning to make their way out of the sorcerers new chambers, and Merlin noticed the mirror that had been set up against the wall, either by Gwen or Arthur as a hint to tidy himself up.

For the first time in a long time he smiled and the mirror smiled with him.

_I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time_

_When will my reflection show, who I am inside?_

_When will my reflection show, who I am inside?_


End file.
